Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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