Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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