How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
