we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Never underestimate the power of titties
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
