this beer tastes like vomit already
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I am naked and annoyed.
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