A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
