it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
