i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
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he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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