I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
