Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
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New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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