Can i not drive my cunt home
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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