i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Pants are for mortals
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