the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
