'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
