If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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