dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
