remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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