So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
