i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
