Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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