I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
