His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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