I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
