Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Vodka?
Forever.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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