I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
