Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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