Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
