I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
