why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
