I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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