I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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