mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
