The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
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Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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