so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
