highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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