So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
