if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
We got so high we made milksteak
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
