i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
