She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
