Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
