Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
