Jerry, you need to find god
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
