dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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