I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
