god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
