So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
