I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT