Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
