I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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