he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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