You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
