We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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