When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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