Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
