my phone needs a breathalizer
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
