Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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