I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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