I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
