Already got asked if we're dating
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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