There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
